After an extremely hectic summer and now that the kids were back in school, yesterday, for the very first time in months (I mean months!), I decided to put on the bathing suit and sit in the sun in the quiet of my backyard all by myself. With Southern California still in the triple digits, and only getting hotter, there was really not much else I could do outside anyway so I convinced myself not to feel guilty about it and just do it. It sounded like a great idea but, as we all know, all good things must come to an end.
I dug out my bikini from beneath the piles deep in my closet and attempted to put it on. Given the fact that I hadn’t exercised all summer, the fit was not exactly what it used to be. Those little love handles that used to be there are now wheel barrel handles hanging over the edge of my suit, the glaring white muffin top that hadn’t seen sun in quite some time was more like monkey bread and the thighs, let’s just say they were thundering. OMG, do I really need to get one of those mom bathing suits??? NEVER, EVER will I wear one of those. I guess I need to start working out 2 times a day immediately!
I got up my nerve to take a quick look in the mirror to see how bad it looked and it was rather ugly. I tried to adjust the waist band and tuck in my butt cheeks only to find out the elastic was pretty much dry rotted. As I stretched it out, it didn’t go back. A bit disgusted, I decided to go out back anyway.
I grabbed the sunblock and headed for the lounge chair. After a quick spray over my farmer’s tan, I sat down to enjoy some rays. CRUNCH…yup, I sat on a snail, how lovely. Time to pull out the hose and spray off both myself and the chair, how gross.
I was sweating like a pig and couldn’t relax. I kept looking at all the things that needed to be done in the back yard, weed the flower beds, hose off the furniture, clean out the grill and more. After about 15 minutes I decided I felt too guilty to sit there with all the things that needed to get done so I jumped in the pool to cool off. Remember the dry rotted elastic in my bottom? As I jumped into get in the pool, boy it sure stretched and I got the biggest wedgie imaginable. That confirmed right there that my bathing suit was trash.
Out of the pool I got, changed into some clothes and proceeded to go to work in the backyard. For the next 4 hours, I worked my big butt off making the backyard look presentable once again. When the kids got home, I thought maybe, just maybe, one of them would say how nice the backyard looked but no, all I got was, “mom why did you move the furniture around in the backyard?”